'Underworld' synopsis: Stab Sandwich

It's no secret that the Oscars, our nation's most prestigious, pretentious and expensive awards, are floundering. Viewership hits a new low every year, as have the costs of advertising slots during the three hour-plus ceremony; they've cycled through multiple potential hosts (arriving at not-so-superstar Hugh Jackman), and worst of all, they've become predictable. All of the top films have had an award locked down since they debuted as far back as June. These days, you can spot an Oscar winner a mile away. The ingredients are pretty simple: Take two parts sensitive subject matter (Nazis, gay rights, global warming), one part big-name actor (DiCaprio, Winslett, Penn), sprinkle household-name director, bake at 350 degrees, and serve it up to a society whose members' tastes are well known. I say we spice up the Oscars with some snazzy new categories, ones that might actually stir up some controversy among the voters.

So, without further ado I submit for "Most Entertaining Viewing Experience": Underworld: Rise of the Lycans.

By traditional standards of good taste, character development, convincing performance, emotional attachment and plot, it was a terrible movie. Simply awful. I imagine the creative process for this film went something like this:

Writer Alan: Well, the script is due tomorrow. What've we got?

Writer Bernard: Nothing really. We have like half a page of notes, and I can't read your handwriting. It's more than we had for the other two Underworld movies, but I think we should turn in at least a page this time. I need my Christmas bonus to pay child support.

Writer Alan: What about that script we wrote at the meth party? You remember the one. It was a mix of Interview with a Vampire, Teen Wolf, Braveheart, The Rock and Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.

Writer Bernard: Brilliant! It practically writes itself! Cut and paste some dialogue from some other movies. Don't rip anything too good. We can't have anyone picking up on our evil scheme. I'm going to go do drugs in the bathroom. When I come back we're gonna party so get those pants off.

Now, fortunately for the degenerates at Screen Gems, the traditional elements of a "good" movie aren't always what viewers are looking for, and therein lies the strength of Underworld. It's not that it's so bad it's funny; it's more like the writers, knowing full well they had no chance of winning any critical acclaim, decided to throw everything into the pot and hope the end result would be outrageous enough to entertain and entice oddball moviegoers. The result? The only film of 2009 (and perhaps ever) to feature a horde of charging werewolves attempting to overtake a castle held by an elite caste of vampire rulers. And as a fan of werewolves, swordplay and acts of impalement, I was willing to see Underworld at the behest of two friends with similar tastes. Much to my surprise, I actually enjoyed myself.

If nothing else, Underworld delivers in the impalement category with flying colors. Everyone gets stabbed. Everyone. Shit, you can't go 10 minutes in this movie without one of the characters getting stuck with a sharp object, be it a sword, spear, arrow, dagger, ballista or spinning whirly blade. Lead werewolf Michael Sheen alone should get an Oscar for "Most Stab Wounds Received in a Feature Film." One of the scenes even features a kind of impalement obstacle course as a group of canine rebels attempt to flee from their vampiric captors under heavy spear-fire. Fuck yeah

There's plenty here for fans of dismemberment as well, with plenty of limbs, even torsos, severed and spurting. Pretty cool.

Unfortunately, all the guts and gore are spaced between some seriously unbearable bouts of dialogue, but truthfully, I was too busy laughing it up with my sidekicks to really notice or care. The strength of Underworld isn't so much the movie itself but the experience it provides the audience.

The rest of the world might not take notice, but if you want a good laugh with your friends and you've never seen a werewolf tackle a vampire off a castle wall and devour his head in midair, go see this movie.

Originally written for Just Arts.